The Most InFamous Love Story Skyrim Never Heard
by OccasionallyDamned
Summary: ObsessiveDevil Cast-off. Ever wondered why so many Guards took arrows in the knee? It's just a thing about arrows and knees, they're insanely attracted to one another... Parody fic. Placed in brothers account because I don't usually write for this fandom.


**The Most (In)Famous Love Story Skyrim Has Ever Heard.**

**One-Shot**

**ObsessiveDevil23**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Skyrim. Honestly, I've never even played Skyrim… I'm writing this for my brother. So sue him.**

**-Yes I put this on my brother's account because I don't exactly write for this fandom usually. Another one of my cast-offs... woop!-**

**I also didn't actually get my brother to proof-read this so sorry for any inconsistencies that come from not actually playing the game... **

It was a snowy day in Skyrim. As usual. To the south, the Giants were herding there Mammoths, in the Sky the dragons were shouting their fire. That was about all that was going on. Slow day. Now that we have all this entirely useless and unnecessary information to set the scene, we can get down to the story. My name is Arrow and I am in love with something beautiful, something wondrous and amazing and… flexible.

Miss Knee.

Which sucks because right now I am being carried in my warriors sling, in a quiver, while my love is so, so far away, enjoying the pleasant breeze on this not-so-summers day. My companions and I are walking leisurely through the old Dwemer ruins of Nchuand-Zel, killing bad-guys as we go, which is, you know, better then them killing us. He, the warrior, clearly sees the trap set out in the corridor we are walking around, killing a few more people as he steps around the trigger. Our follower also steps around the trap and we come into a brighter room, large and cluttered with junk. Which is always just lying around in Skyrim. Our follower starts talking, again, and I roll my non-existent eyes at my brothers. They don't exactly do much back, most of them were serious about Arrow School and are pretty suicidal brats who simply can't wait to lodge themselves inside some beefy enemies.

Fags.

Personally the only thing I want to impale is Miss Knee…

The warrior looks around for things to steal, humming quietly to himself as he sifts through the artefacts. I hear a wolf cry in the distance and long, long, long, for my beloved Miss Knee. I swear that wolf-cry was just for effect, but Miss Knee might be scared. I could keep her safe. I'm a weapon, it's what I do!

"Hey Mjoll! Lookit this!" I hear my warrior cry, and feel myself being spun round and round on his back, making me dizzy. He's picked something up and is playing with it, probably about to chuck it somewhere else. Because he can. It's amazing me how many useless little things he does. Mjoll begins speaking, again, and a weight is lifted off of the body as whatever he was holding goes flying. A pause, then; "Oh crap!"

Out of sheer, dumb luck, this idiot of a warrior has managed to hit the trap switch he so painstakingly avoided earlier, probably alerting more baddies of our presence and… well in all honestly it's just amazing at how incredibly unlucky this supposed 'warrior' is. Good job we weren't, like, actually underneath it or something. Then my poor miss Knee might be in danger.

And I am so in love with his knee. Who, lets clarify, is, in fact, female. If you hadn't guessed by now. Despite being part of the anatomy of a male. Yeah, get over it. And by The Eight do not start talking to her about it. Poor love is a little gender confused. She's still so adorable though.

Le sigh.

"What's up?"

Whoops. Forgot I'm not supposed to talk and such. Mjoll really never stops talking anyway, so I am sure the Warrior will take it as her mindless chatter. Still, it means it's hard to lose her I suppose. You know you've lost her when it goes quiet.

Also means every so often I can chat to miss Knee and the Warrior think that Mjoll is just talking to herself.

I am so desperate to see her… I watch her every day. I never made it a day through Arrow Training school (which is probably how I ended up with the ditz of a Warrior) because I watched her. I know her every movement. She's the best thing for me, I am sure.

But then I think about it, I'm the worst for her. Sometimes, when the warrior puts me down on the table and sits on the chair and Miss Knee and I are so close, we chat quietly under our breaths. She is so kind and sweet, despite being part of that detestable Nord. I want to be able to show her my love, but I am a weapon, the only thing I know how to do is hurt people…

"Mr Arrow?"

If I could blush, I am sure I would be. I didn't even realise the Nord had put me down and sat beside me, Miss Knee is so close to me that she can whisper under her breath at me in that kind, sweet voice.

"Miss Knee…" I start to say, trying valiantly to itch closer to her. She's so pretty and… curvy. "I-"

"Wait, Arrow, I have something to say!" Miss Knee interrupts me in her beautiful way. I imagine she's averting her eyes, flushed and cute. I wait for her to continue. "I…. I want you to love me."

Oh, I want to love her to. But I know I can't.

"Oh Miss Knee." I whisper back. "I want to love you to."

"You do?"

She really has no idea how much I want to be inside her does she?

"Of course!" I lower my voice when the warrior and his follower start looking around as if they've heard an enemy. "But I…. I could only hurt you." I confess, feeling my tiny wooden heart break.

Miss Knee flexes. I don't know if it's to show how truly powerful she is or if it is in discomfort.

"No!" She says, her voice high-pitched and breathless. "You're so kind. You always talk to me when we're like this."

"I'm sorry Miss Knee." This is the best for her. "I want you, but being rough, hurting people… that is in my nature."

I stare, heart-broken as my dreams might have been realised and then were crushed by my own stupid kindness.

The Warrior stands, carrying the sling with me and my brothers on his back, and I see for the first time the enemy that stands here with us in the old Dwemer ruins. I feel fingers closing around me and let myself be taken easily from the quiver. He pulls me back, rubbing me against the bow, aiming me. This is it, this klutz of a warrior is going to help me commit suicide. Aim, pulled back to breaking point, so painful I can barely take it anymore. Release.

I faintly hear her scream. Telling me not to do this, to love her. How she doesn't mind my rough loving, but by this time I am already on my way towards this enemy. A real Romeo and Juliet story. The Arrow and the Knee.

Then the bastard raises his shield, heavy, rounded, metal, and I'm deflected back at the warrior at a weird angle. Right at miss Knee. I can almost see her smiling as I rush towards her. I'm sure I'm going to hurt her. I'm not sure if she can take it but I am too far gone to be going back now. I realise, maybe a little belatedly, I am finally going to be inside my love.

Then I hear a scream and sticky liquid comes rushing out. Climax.

Bright red liquid, and the scream is actually that stupid warriors.

Oh, my poor, poor miss Knee, is the last thing I think as I am yanked out and the remaining life drains out of me. I am sorry if I hurt you, but I am glad I could finally realise my fantasies before I died…

- X -

"Hey Guard."

The guard nods.

"Where are you off to today?" he questions.

The warrior laughs, waving his hand in the general southern direction.

"Out and about, dragon hunting and stuff." he replies.

The guard laughs now too.

"I used to be an adventurer like you, then I took an arrow in the knee."


End file.
